The Antidote to the Aphrodisiac

Awesome! Everything planned.

Tom at uni? Check. Jessica? Ditto. And Ben safely at work for five hours…

The romantic meal to end all romantic meals. “You get changed, darling. I’ll cook.” Oysters, asparagus, a few flakes of chilli on the meat, dark chocolate to finish with. There’s a man who knows how to Google ‘aphrodisiac food…’

“Just the two of us on Valentine’s Day,” I mused. “How many centuries since that happened?”

“I can’t wait,” my wife said, smiling seductively. “Your flat stomach, your rippling six pack, your rock hard abs…” [Read more…]

Quick, Quick, Very Slow

Jobs for the weekend:

All the old shoes to recycling

Make the meat sauce

Learn the bloody rumba

Yep, learn the rumba. Dash it, dah-ling, I simply cannot get my hips to move properly. I know, too many years of playing football and cricket, going forwards and backwards when I should have been swaying seductively sideways. No matter: I’ll lock the office door, crank up YouTube and have another go…

You’ve guessed it. Eight months after confidently stating that Jane and I were going for ballroom dancing lessons we finally made it. [Read more…]

One Husband. Best Before…

June 1993. Beat that...

June 1993. Beat that…

I met a girl. I was bewitched by her green eyes. We decided to live together.

Which meant her freezer needed clearing out. And in that freezer I found a duck…

“Look at this,” I said as John Major made himself comfy in Downing Street and Wet Wet Wet topped the charts. “Best before August 1986. I think that can go in the bin.”

“It’s frozen. It doesn’t matter.”

“Sweetheart,” I gently pointed out, “I love you very much but I don’t think we should start our new life together by eating something that should have been twinned with pancakes and hoi sin sauce six years ago.”

“Darling,” she said equally gently – because that’s how it is when you’re falling in love – “You could go to the South Pole and eat the food Captain Scott so thoughtfully left behind for you.” [Read more…]