Welcome to Best Dad I Can Be – a weekly look at the funny side of family life from a Dad’s point of view. This is a blog that answers the questions all parents are asking themselves…

  • What do I do if my seven year old is arrested as a terrorist?
  • How do I react the first time my teenage son comes home drunk?
  • And – inevitably – is she really going out with him?
  • Best Dad I Can Be covers nine years of family life – from nativity plays and party bags to teenage angst and slamming doors. The latest posts – and some of my favourites from the early years – are below…

    The Geometry Set Turns Full Circle

    Somewhere around Year Three, I think...

    Somewhere around Year Three, I think…

    It starts on day one. The day you hold your child’s hand, kiss her, shed a tear, kiss her again and tell her, “You are the cutest button in the universe and Mummy and Daddy love you squillions.” Then you kiss her again because it’s so long since the last one and hand her over to school. But not before saying…

    “There, you’ve got your school bag. And your snack. And your beautiful smile that all your teachers are going to love so much.” And for the next 2,500 school days the die is cast… [Read more...]

    Billy Two Mates

    Welcome to the 20th Century...

    Welcome to the 20th Century…

    I suppose he’s out there somewhere. The man – and it’s an absolute certainty that it’s a man – who buttonholes you at a party, eyes shining with the fervour of the true believer and says, “I’m absolutely passionate about LinkedIn.”

    Along with “I missed my children growing up” that must be one of the saddest statements a man can make. But there you go; there are plenty of them. 500+ connections and a gold star for sending ‘networking messages.’ Or spam, as normal people call them. [Read more...]

    The Shaving Cream Always Rises

    suribachi_shaving_bowl_1tThere aren’t going to be many more of these rite of passage moments so I’d better make the most of this one…

    The shadow on my youngest son’s upper lip has been growing darker. Nope, it’s never going to rival Jessica’s tattoo and tongue-stud in the school disapproval stakes – but it’s time to teach Ben how to shave.

    And I’m determined to do it.

    Somehow, I kept missing out with Tom. How babies are made? School did that one. Dating girls? 10,000 episodes of Friends. And, “Have you started shaving?” I asked one morning. [Read more...]

    “Dad, I’ve Been Robbed…”

    It looked like this...

    It looked like this…

    Our last full day in Nantes. My wife and I are having a discussion: that is, she’s telling me what’s going to happen.

    “So you’re coming to hear me speak at the conference?”

    “No.”

    “Why not?”

    “Because it’s the same speech you gave yesterday. Alright, it’s a different audience but there’s a limit to how much excitement a woman can take.”

    Do I detect a hint of sarcasm? In a word, yes. [Read more...]

    En Francais…

    Yep, one was enough...

    Yep, one was enough…

    We’re in the departure lounge at Manchester airport. 90 minutes and we’ll be in the air. Next stop Nantes. Jane and Ben are looking forward to a really pleasant flight. They’re in 14A and 14B. Owing to a disagreement with the online check-in (thanks, flybe) I’m in 21B. “But you can still pay for our drinks, Dad.”

    Who are we meeting in Nantes? Our beloved daughter. And there she is. [Read more...]

    He’s Back. But She’s Gone…

    Trenitalia“Dad, what are you doing?”

    “I’m cutting some cheese. What’s it look like? And before you ask, it’s my first piece of cheese. And my first glass of red wine.”

    “I didn’t mean that.” Then what can she mean? Jessica is wearing her I’ll-organise-your-life look. It’s never good news… [Read more...]

    The Mediterranean Peasant

    photoI’m sitting on some steps in the middle of Cambridge market. I’m surrounded by Japanese tourists and their cameras. I seem to be the only thing in the city they deem unworthy of their Nikons.

    “You get some fruit,” Jane had said. “And some cold meat and bread.” With that she’d abandoned me and taken Ben to M&S for new underpants. The poor boy. But once she’s seen a ‘back to school’ poster there’s no stopping her.

    Anyway, I’ve bought the fruit, failed to find any cold meat and been seduced at the bread stall. [Read more...]

    An Evening with Honest George

    HorseRacingBettingExplainedBig“So you’re 16, Jessica. Are we agreed on that?”

    “No, Dad, I am not 16. I’m 18. And nearly 19 in case you’ve forgotten.”

    How could I forget? Has the world’s most-explicit birthday list not just landed in my inbox? But that’s not the issue at the moment.

    “Look, if you’re 16 you’ll get in free and save me thirteen quid.”

    “But I’m not.” [Read more...]

    The New Girl

    Fat RascalScene: A school classroom in the seventies. A French lesson is in progress. A teenage boys raises his hand. “Please, sir, may I go to the toilet?” A few of his more worldly-wise classmates snigger. The teacher smirks. He senses some sport. “En francais, if you wouldn’t mind.” The boy sighs. He knew this was coming. He’s already revised. “S’il vous plait, monsieur, puis-je aller aux toilettes?” The teacher looks disappointed.  “Very well then. But be quick.” The boy rushes to the toilet. Locks himself in. Pulls a transistor radio out of his pocket – and listens to the Derby. The race builds to a climax. There is a whoop of triumph from inside the toilet. Fortunately there are no passing prefects…

    Fast forward more years than I care to count. [Read more...]

    The Man Flu Rant  

    A-box-of-tissues-001I like women. I really do. By and large they’re better company than men. More insight. Funnier. And refreshingly free of the constant need to boast about their sexual conquests, drinking ability or all the other things little boys and men-in-suits are so desperate to brag about.

    But – and this is a remarkably large but – if one more woman looks at me, puts her head on one side, smiles gently and says, “Awww… Have you got man flu then?” I will forget that I am a gentleman and let loose a long and blistering stream of invective.  [Read more...]